I’m not exaggerating. Family of NINE. As if to further the “nightmare bunch of folks you don’t want next to you in a theater” cliché, one of those nine was a young lady carrying a newborn baby. I’m not exaggerating here either. This baby was a newborn and its sweet little mommy was dragging it to a movie about psycho clowns that cut people up and blow up hospitals.
“Fine,” I think. “Maybe they’ll be ok. I probably won’t hear them when the movie starts anyway.”
Yeah…fine. It was fine right up until the asshat next to me (Not one of the nine. Other side.) starts messing around with the food he brought. This is about half an hour into the movie, mind you. This loser brought FAST food, which he decided to unwrap in the middle of the show. It was McDonald’s, by the way. I know because I could smell the mix of onions, sweat and pickles. This guy must not have ever worked a contraption as tricky as paper wrapping before because it took him a good five minutes to get to his burger. By the time he shoved all of that processed beef into his stupid pie hole, the dreaded nine on my other side started getting fidgety.
Kids are walking back and forth. The baby is fussing. The kids walk back and forth some more. The baby flat-out cries. The mom walks back and forth. Uggghhhhhhhhh.
At least the movie WAS loud and it was also AWESOME, so it wasn’t a complete loss.
I know I’m getting old and cranky, but this is why the theater business is doomed. These bad clichés of nightmare audiences are all too common and have turned what used to be something fun and special into a pain. The only saving grace is seeing a cool movie on the first night it's out. First night crowds may be larger, but they’re all there to see the movie. They may be dressed up in funny clothes, but they shut the hell up and pay attention when that movie starts. I’ll only go to first night shows anymore. If I’m in a theater at all these days, I’m one of the geeks that’s been counting down the days to opening night. I never have a problem with being around more geeks, because they laugh and cheer at a movie instead of trying to look cool while diddling their cell phone during the quieter scenes.
As if to drive my point home, I came back and realized I had bought the DVD of Dragon Wars and hadn’t watched it yet. That was a crappy movie that came out in theaters a while ago and I wanted to see it on the big screen. I forgot about it, the DVD came out and I picked it up. You know what? I’ll pop it in, kick back and watch it without any interruptions. Is it the same as the
BIG screen? No. Will I have anything else to distract me? NO!When people like me start getting cantankerous and grouchy, we should just stay home. That way, everyone’s happy. It’s a shame, because I do enjoy seeing movies in an audience. I just resent having to block out dipshits who go out of their way to be. . .well. . .themselves. Also, if some douche bag plops down next to me to eat his McDonald’s while I’m at home, I’m within my rights to bend a crowbar over his skull.
